Dear Large Corporation,

I know you think having a computer voice pretend to be a live receptionist seems like a good idea. I know you think that it would be so much easier for a customer to say “cancel account” and then say “345652345” when prompted for an account number instead of pressing all those numbers. But you failed to consider my home.

My home is never quiet. It’s not that it’s really noisy, but there is almost always background noise. Right now I have an infant gurgling on the floor next to me. She’s not crying or upset. She’s not even screeching for joy. She’s just practicing her vocalizations and exploring her range.

Unfortunately, she’s just loud enough that even if I cover the mouthpiece of the phone and turn away, your automated system is unable to block out the sound of her. Your computer keeps interrupting me and asking me if I would please repeat the same information over and over again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you,” I hear. Of course not. I can’t understand the baby either.

Please consider a dual system where the customer has a choice. I understand that speaking might be preferred for some people, but it’s just not working for me.

In the news

I’m no Eric Scheske, but he’s too busy to do his normal posts and my husband is in school-crunch mode and hasn’t been filling me in on headlines. I’m on my own to get gossip news about people in the greater world. Here’s what I’m reading:

Justice almost served: seven years in prison for having a slave for 6 years…now if they would routinely beat her and make her sleep on the floor, it’d be even. OK, I don’t believe they should beat her, but I hope they make her scrub toilets.

Attention, Roseville, MN residents: if you need some quick cash, the SuperAmerica gas station will give whatever they have to anyone who comes in without question. All you have to do is wear a mask. Just make sure that no other customers are around, because you never know who might interfere. The employees won’t though.

Last year, Bill had the opportunity to fall asleep on CSPAN witness several hearings for the Senate Armed Services Committee. (He only bobbed his head a few times, and after I emailed him to tell him he was sitting right behind the speaker, he perked up. The guy next to him was snoring.) The first time he saw Senator Kennedy, it took a bit for him to recognize him. He thought the man was going to keel over at any minute. When I read that his family is shocked that the man’s days are limited, I wonder if it’s dementia or habitual denial of reality.

Even though I’m a law-abiding citizen for the most part (I retain a general willingness to break laws for good reason, which I consider to be a good quality in any citizen), I think the police are intimidating. I would be naturally inclined to clam up around an interrogating cop, I think. It’s that “could be used against you” concept. Apparently parrots feel the same way. Just beware the friendly doctors who will dime you out.

Where’s the outrage? Jews burning the New Testament. Maybe we Christians should start a holy war.

I’m all for jail time for people who won’t cut their grass, but please make them serve it in the winter.

Clint Eastwood thinks Hillary should keep trying for the nomination. The article portrays him as a real nice guy. I think that advice is pretty sadistic.

The Loveliness of Rosaries

I have a few rosaries.

In fact, I could host quite a large rosary group and there would be no need for anyone to BYOR. These are just some of the “downstairs rosaries.” The glass jar has nine rosaries made of plastic beads. To its left is one made of knotted rope in a bag with how-to instructions ready to be given to someone who wants to learn.

Except for the two on the left made from olive wood and the children’s rosaries on the top right, these rosaries are very inexpensive and are the kind given away by various groups. The ones in the middle came in the mail with a request for money. I have to figure out how to donate anonymously. If you buy one Mass card, you end up on 20 mailing lists. I don’t like that.

These manly ones are given out to soldiers everywhere. I think Bill keeps one in his uniform. You never know when you might need to pray really hard (September 11th?).

The only rosary in the picture that I actually bought is the wooden children’s rosary. I used to have two wooden ones, but my kids can manage to break anything if given a chance. The other rosary is made from a really hard plastic and was given to Mary by her Godmother. She likes the way they feel on her gums.

I’ve learned the hard way to keep the nice rosaries out of the reach of little fingers. Kids of all ages are drawn to rosaries. They like the way they click in their hands. They like the pretty colors. They like the texture. Me too.

These are my special rosaries. Two were gifts from my husband and two were gifts from my in-laws.

Bill bought this one in New Mexico. Indians made it from cultured pearls. The “rope” between the beads is silver.

Here is another olive wood rosary. I keep it in my bedside drawer. It gets used a fair amount. The beads are nicely spaced, and the smooth wood feels comforting.

This one is blessed by the Pope. Therefore, it is too good to be used! It stays in its little box on my dresser, and I look at it and smile. Peter is irresistibly attracted to this rosary and its little box. I will pray its beads someday. I think I’m just waiting for a really important request.

My favorite rosary is this delicate blue one that Bill got in Letnica on this pilgrimage. He sent it to me just before Jenny was born. The first time I prayed it to thank God for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. It was used frequently in the next few months as I prayed for strength, prayed for my milk supply, prayed for my sanity, and prayed for a speedy return for my husband. This rosary has seen many, many tears.

The beads are tiny and pointy and the spacing between the decades is difficult to discern by touch. At first I thought this was a disadvantage, but as an exhausted mother of little children who almost always falls asleep while praying, I came to appreciate that to pray this rosary I needed to pay attention. Instead of the soothing feel of sanded wood, my sensitive skin must gently hold each sharp bead and deliberately move to the next to avoid prickles. I need to look at the rosary to know when I’ve finished the decade.

Should I live to be an old woman with clouded eyes and arthritic hands, this rosary probably won’t be easy to pray, but it will nonetheless be my likely first choice. What will it matter if an old woman has to go around two or three times because she can’t tell when it’s time to stop? That long dead husband is probably still in purgatory and grateful for all those extra Hail Marys.

Surely none of my offspring would be so foolish as to bury me with my wedding or engagement rings. I hope that someone else can wear them and have even a fraction of the joy my marriage has given me. Just bury me in my newly repaired pearl necklace (thank you Pearl Girl) and holding this rosary. I sure hope I have people praying the rosary for me.

The final countdown

Tomorrow begins our last week of school.

Now before I hear any whining from you folks with a month or more to go, please realize that we began our year in mid-August. I had never started that early before, but we did like the locals do. The public schools end at the end of the month. I am doing CATs the week after Memorial Day, so we still have that, and it’ll formally finish us up at the same time that they do. This is our last week of stuff in the syllabus.

Thank goodness.

Last week was a very bad week. It was so bad that Bill suggested we take a week off. Had we even two weeks left, I would have, but with one week to go, delaying the end even more was depressing than suffering through. My students and I were in agreement: we wanted the school year to end. We simply disagreed on how best to accomplish that. I thought if I cut all unnecessary work and even reduced the number of problems in core assignments, we could quickly be done. My children felt that we should just move into summer vacation with nary a backward glance at those remaining worksheets.

Both sides dug in their heels, and by Friday I was exhausted from the battle. Bill told the kids they’d be sent off to school if they didn’t start treating their teacher better. And honestly, I was all ready to sign them up, but only if they could start right away.

Fortunately, I just needed a weekend to breathe. Yesterday, I stopped at the store and bought three bags of candy with which to bribe reward my students for speedy, accurate and tear-free work. I’ve promised them a special trip on Wednesday if they can get the whole week’s worth done by 10 am that day (totally do-able), and I’ve promised them a mid-week movie night on the last day.

We will get through this. And maybe we’ll even like each other when it’s all over.

Fakin the Funk

One of Bill’s newest favorite websites is the Urban Dictionary which has a slang word of the day. Weeks and weeks ago, he taught me the term chicken bone tight. I have determined to incorporate this phrase in my language, but I keep messing it up. At first I couldn’t remember anything but the chicken part, and now I keep saying “chicken bone slim.” Yes, I am preparing to embarrass my future teenagers with my total uncoolness.

I’m fakin the funk.

Every few days, Bill says, “And today’s Urban Dictionary word is…”

And I respond, “Chicken bone slim?”

He sighs and says, “Chicken bone tight, dear.”

Today I said, “What does it mean again?”

I’m hopeless.

New Month’s Resolution for May

Six weeks from today, my husband graduates and we move halfway across the country. Fortunately for me, the expected deployment isn’t happening, so I can look forward to this move with excitement and not dread.

As you might expect, the next few weeks will be just a little insane. It can’t be helped. One does not pack up an entire house and six small children and a dog without a certain degree of chaos: 360 degrees of chaos to be exact. No matter which direction I will turn, bedlam will be right there, guaranteed.

Could I resolve to exercise more? Eat better? Rest or relax? What’s the point? I know I won’t do it.

This month, I’m going to pray. A lot. Daily rosary. Daily Mass if my husband’s schedule permits. I need all the graces available to make this transition a pleasant one.

What is a New Month’s Resolution? Every month I look at where I need to focus my attention. Perhaps I’ve been procrastinating on certain chores. Perhaps I need to spend some extra time with one or more of the kids. Perhaps I’d like to try a new habit. New Month’s Resolutions are not grandiose plans to lose ten pounds or declutter the entire house or give up smoking (of course, I don’t smoke, but if I did, this would not be the venue in which I would give it up). New Month’s resolutions are short-term commitments; they are easily attained goals; they focus on what is needed right now, instead of what is best for a lifetime.

Do you have a new month’s resolution?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow’s (projected) schedule:

530 am wake up, get dressed, leash dog, run 2 miles
woke up on time, but so did Mary: no run, just coffee
615 am pour coffee, collapse in sweaty heap
616 am fetch crying baby
700 am shower, get dressed
baby fell asleep about 715 am and I got in the shower then
800 am start telling kids they need to eat and get dressed
check
815 am kiss Bill goodbye
check
830 am hunt down children for lessons
check
1030 am organize children in mid-morning cleanup
at 10 am the packer called and asked if he could come early (like now), I declare recess to cheers
1045 am send the one child who hasn’t completed school work to bedroom to work
at 910 am I sent an easily distracted child to his room to do math
1100 greet Mr. Packing Company Guy, show him around my tidy home, point out things like 100 year old piano that weighs 750 pounds and has no working wheels
Mr. PCG was gone by 11 am, house was not at all tidy; I had to push toys aside and feared greatly that this man who was easily in his 70s would trip; he was unfazed by the piano (he’s not the one moving it!)
1130 am greet friends coming over for playdate, wonder how many more closets Mr. PCG has left to view
Bill got out of class early and got home a few minutes before friends showed up
1145 am shake hands with Mr. PCG, rush out door with a mixture of children leaving little ones at home with friend, go to Mass
took Bill with me to Mass
1200 pm bask in the relative quiet of Mass with no toddler
ha! Mary is babbling now, and loudly
1210 pm irritatingly note that Mass with five school-aged children is a lot of work too
Bill and I sat behind the five kids and could easily monitor and correct chit-chatting
1230 pm ask another friend over for lunch and playdate
check
1235 pm arrive home and note uncomfortable husband conversing with woman he found in his house when he came home from school
110 pm suddenly remember Katie has a doctor’s appointment and beg Bill to take her despite him not being done with his lunch
he knew, but lunch was rushed
300 pm greet Bill and Katie as they return, say goodbye to friends leaving, realize I haven’t even thought about dinner, panic
Well. Friend A left her kids and took car for an oil change. Bill and Katie came back. Friend B and her kids went home. Bill left for his own doctor’s appointment. Friend A called because she left her wallet at my house and couldn’t get back on post. I round up 10 children and load van to deliver wallet. At some point, my hairdresser called and asked if we could reschedule for 730 pm instead of tomorrow afternoon. Sure!
315 pm organize another pickup-the-house party, threaten slackers with no outside playtime
Upon return from delivering wallet, told kids they had to clean up before they could go out, nearly went deaf from the protests, but at least they had their friends to help them
420 pm round up children and have them don uniforms for baseball games, remember that I haven’t thought about dinner since 3 pm, panic more
this involved complete changes of clothing for all kids because they partook in a water gun fight
440 pm take everyone but Jenny to Fritz’s baseball game, Bill takes Jenny to their parent-child baseball class
we drove to Burger King first and ordered take-out
550 pm leave Fritz at game and take everybody else to Billy and Katie’s baseball game
at 530 it started to rain. The worst part is that Fritz’s game was only in the 2nd inning; had they completed the inning it would have counted, but now he has to make it up on Tuesday.
630 pm greet Bill, Fritz and Jenny at the game
Bill and Jenny met us at home around 545 pm
715 pm shepherd the starving children into the van, really panic
at this time, I left for my hair appointment, Peter opened the door and the dog escaped chasing a squirrel, got dog, got in car wondering how long I would feel guilty if I fled to Aruba
720 pm feed everyone PB&J and ice cream
750 pm scrub dirt off Peter, tell everyone to get ready for bed
Peter had a proper bath before I left
815 pm say prayers, nurse Mary to sleep
I returned home, prayers were done, everyone was ready for bed, I wash Mary up and get her in her PJs
910 pm blog about how inaccurate my prediction was
I did my other blog post first, Mary woke up and I nursed her again, then worked on this one

1015 pm go to bed