Husband: As I snoop in on your google calendar to gain and maintain situational awareness…

(Yes, this is an exact quote.  He really does talk/write like that. Army thing.)

Me:  Please “snoop”.  I do the calendar for my sanity and for your info as well.  I am just happy that you can access it at work.  Now you have no excuse!

PS: I put all my clandestine appointments in another calendar which you do not have access to.  You see those huge swaths of time with nothing in them?  You should be suspicious.  Notice how I always seem to keep 9 pm to 6 am totally free?  Hmm….

Husband:   I know you are sleeping with another man every night.  Of course, he’s 3 months old.