I realize that my blogging since the baby’s birth has been…minimal. Even when I do post, it is a bit lacking in substance. Now that the relatives are gone, I’m back to my usual life: feed baby at breast, feed baby with a bottle, pump, change baby’s diaper, repeat. Sometimes for variety I read out of a history book or do a math lesson.
If I’m not doing that, I’m off to the clinic or the LC’s (lactation consultant) office. Mary is now 5 weeks old, and not yet back to her birth weight. I’m bottle-feeding her way more than I want to, but I realize it is important that she put on weight. Apparently, besides being too stressed out to produce enough milk, I am also too old and too tired and worn out. Naturally, I reject all those theories, but it sure makes life hard when, once again, an appointment with the LC fails to demonstrate that the baby is getting enough at the breast.
Whenever I read about the heroic deaths of the saints, whether a martyrdom or a slow, painful suffering from something like tuberculosis, I wonder if I could bear that cross with dignity and without complaint. I think the answer is no. Too often I hear myself saying, “I quit! It’s too hard.” The fact is, I have little patience for this whole process. I want a quick fix: more milk, better sucking, no effort – POOF!
I will admit to a certain level of enjoyment at the convenience of handing my husband the baby and a bottle and running out to the grocery store alone. But then I feel I have to sneak down the baby aisle and hide the container of formula under the other groceries. It’s ridiculous, I know. But the whole breastfeeding/bottle feeding thing is very emotional for me.
I’ll get through this. Deep down, I’m not ready to quit yet. But I pray for fortitude and patience. This isn’t a noble or glorious suffering, like having the stigmata. But the pumping, the watching the clock, the recording of every wet diaper, and the trips to weigh the baby definitely qualify as a cross. I just need to offer it up.
Reit This Way 
I understand how you feel about buying formula. A few months ago, when I found out I was pregnant, my doctor recommended that I quit nursing. Then others recommended nursing as much as I wanted. I decided to go somewhere in the middle, so I cut back nursing by half and gave him formula for the other half.He hated it of course, and there was lots of stress involved, but that’s another story entirely. It was very hard for me to go to the store and buy a can of formula. I even sent my husband to do it for me a few times! It’s not that anyone said anything, it was just me.I am praying for you and your little one. God bless.
I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and Mary during this difficult and stressful situation. I know how you feel about supplementing. We went through the same thing. Keep trying to offer it up. God bless you all.
Continued prayers for you and Mary. You are a great mama, and your heroism in all of this is so inspiring!Blessings…
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been there. I don’t know if I mentioned, I have insufficient gland tissue to produce enough milk, and the guilt is just unbelievable. With the first I gave up after two weeks. With the second I persevered through what you are doing now and there was not a day I didn’t want to quit. At six months I finally stopped, knowing I had done my best and that I couldn’t go any further. I took comfort in the recommendations out there that 6 months was enough. But to this day I still feel guilty, like my body let my babies down, but if I ever have another, I’d do it again. Hang in there, it’s not easy, but you have incredible strength and you will get through this! Praying for you both!
Sigh. That is a difficult cross indeed, continued prayers!
When my first son was born, I was amazed that something that was supposed to be so natural, was instead very, very difficult. It took 4 1/2 days for my milk to arrive, and then my son had a problem latching on, and . . . well, I shed more than a few tears. Luckily, it did get better. Hang in there! God bless.
Michelle, I know how you feel. I’ve been through it, too. I wound up weaning number four at four months completely. I felt terrible about it, but it was the best thing to do. I know it is hard at the moment to go that route, but by golly looking back I have no bad feelings about it at all. The child was losing weight. I did what needed to be done. I’m only glad I did. I think those motherly hormones that are so well designed to make us feel a certain way can sometimes backfire on us when something else needs to be done. Keep up the good work!
Unlike many of your readers, I have no idea of how this feels. I can guess – I have an inkling – but not having had kids yet, I can only imagine.However, what leaps out to me is that yes, this is a cross, and it’s an incredible opportunity to follow the advice of Bl. Mother Teresa, and do small things with great love. Weighing your daughter’s wet diaper is a small thing, but you do it with great love for her and for God, and it becomes “something beautiful for God.”Praying for you…
I can imagine that must be very difficult. I remember having anxiety about not breastfeeding when we adopted Gianna (the bonding, the immunities, the pressure!) Do give yourself a break. I formula fed both my girls entirely and (so far) they get sick about once for every ten times my friends’ children fall ill. And the bonding? It was never an issue.
Oh, Michele – I will pray for you and for Mary.
This too, shall pass, and you won’t regret it. It’s good so much care has gone in to designing formula to mimic breast milk, as well as it can, for Mary’s sake. It’s good you don’t need to go rustle yourself up a wet nurse, eh?Just give her head a good sniff for me, would you? Hmmm, I can almost recall that wonderful aroma, almost…
I really wish I could be there with you, to personally give you the support and encouragement. I did this with my last two babies. I didn’t make enough for the first FIVE months. Five months I was ready to quit. Five months I was ready to listen to those who told me to quit (because I had too many babies to fast was their reasoning). There is no reason to kill myself, I was told. But something wouldn’t quit. I don’t know what. Pride, maybe. Who knows. But I do know that the weight checks were never fun (and never good news), but I did nurse my third child for two years, and David will be one next month, and it is nothing short of a miracle that he is breastfeeding. I know the feeling of having to hide the formula, or the bottles purchased at WalMart. This time seems like eternity, but it will end. I promise. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions. I have been where you are, and it is a very, very heavy cross. One that should not be carried alone, in my opinion.
I meant to put “I wouldn’t quit”, not “something wouldn’t quit”…sorry.
Jen, I don’t know your email address. If you could email me I would appreciate it (mine is reitemeyerclan AT catholicexchange DOT com).
I am praying for you too. After number four was born in February he had lost 10% birth weight in the hospital. My pedi made me promise I would supplement if I wanted to go home. I did. It was so frustrating to nurse and then try forcing formula in him via a little tube and syringe while I nursed. His problem fixed quickly and I am thankful. But I know how you feel. My cross this last time was my c-section. I do believe that we will look back and wonder when the difficulties ended. God bless you all. Much love and many prayers.
Michelle, I’m sorry for your struggle with breastfeeding. I do, however, think that maybe you are putting too much emphasis on your own desire to nurse your baby, and not on the grace of having available a healthy alternative. It’s not about you at this point and I think far too often we as mothers get hung up on doing what we want, at the expense of everything else. If your daughter is doing fine on formula, be grateful that there is formula out there that’s good and beneficial. It’s not so much how you feed your baby, but that you feed your baby, and that your baby thrives.
Sent you an email Michelle. 🙂
So after reading the other comments, I know I have nothing to complain about as nursing my 2 daughters has been fairly easy, praise the Lord. I did want to say, though, that I am encouraged to know there are others dealing with the “emotionalness” of using formula. My husband and I are going out of town for a week for a “milestone” birthday celebration for my mother that has been planned since before we knew of our second child’s coming and my in-laws are babysitting. I desperately tried to “stock up” for the last 7 months, but I think there is not going to be quite enough frozen milk. Of course, in order to be safe, I went and bought a can of formula the other day so we can try it ahead of time to make sure there are no reactions. It made me a little sick standing there, looking at the shelves trying to figure out what to buy. I am really dreading giving her this first bottle of formula, almost to the point of tears. My head knows it is ok, but my heart not so much. My husband doesn’t quite understand why I’m quietly freaking out and I was starting to get down on myself for being so emotional about it. Anyways…after rambling on too much, I just wanted to say 1)I’m praying for you, and 2) thank you for sharing your struggles. It’s always nice to know that we are not alone.
Dear Michelle,This too shall pass.You don’t know me, but I just happened to see your post. I nursed all five of my children into toddlerhood. It wasn’t easy sometimes, especially the first who was born early by emergency C section and unable to nurse properly. I was determined, though, to keep on going, believing that it was the best thing. And it all worked out really well, by God’s grace and persistence on my part. I have not heard your whole story, so please don’t feel offended that I want to help by encouraging you not to give up nursing. I certainly would not want you to feel guilty or inadequate if you did decide to stop. I just also want to say that the more you supplement, the less your baby will desire the breast since she doesn’t have to suck much to get the formula through the bottle nipple, but has to try harder to get breast milk from you. Also, the formula will fill her up and she won’t be interested in the breast – mean while your milk dries up. It’s a dilemna. I will pray for you and Mary and hope you don’t mind that I added my “two cents” worth. I would just hate for you to stop nursing because you didn’t feel encouraged to continue. I feel it is worth the struggle in the long run. May God bless you and your sweet baby in great abundance! Blessed Mother Mary, please intercede.God bless,Donna
Blessings blessings blessings!Mwah dahlin. Want some jasmine tea? Almond biscotti?