Generally, I expect the silver lining of experience, especially painfully-earned experience, to be the ability to avoid the same situation in the future. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, and I find myself going through the same thing again. All experience gets me is a calm reassuring pat, and the knowledge that this too shall pass.
Last evening found me sobbing in a black pit of misery. I am still miserable – woefully so – but I have the advantage of a fresh morning and some good hours of sleep to bolster me. Experience tells me that I will be feeling every depth of despair this evening after yet another difficult day.
I really can not believe that once again I find myself, as I did over four years ago, pumping milk, using bottles, and praying a novena to Our Lady of La Leche for her intercession with my starving child. The baby has lost entirely too much weight in her week and a half of life. Even supposing an inaccuracy in the midwife’s scale used at her birth, it is still too much. I have to take her to the doctor’s again this morning to reweigh her and see if she’s gained anything in 24 hours.
When this happened with Jenny, it was assumed that the stress of Bill’s deployment affected my milk supply. Although I’m sure it was a major contributing factor, I think more so it was her difficulty in latching on strongly. Pete seemed to have some trouble too and was diagnosed with a tied tongue (I’m not too sure that this is true, since he has no speech problems and seems to be able to stick his tongue out now), and I had to take him twice to be weighed to prove that he was thriving. He didn’t lose that much weight all told.
Mary, like Jenny, has had difficulty in achieving a firm latch. We’ve been banging our heads in frustration since her birth, and she has spent most of her days and nights either struggling to latch on or nursing. Much to both our exhaustion, she has rarely been out of my arms and, if so, has usually been crying. Being hungry constantly will do that to you.
Despite her extreme weight loss, it’s not been as bad as it was with Jenny. Jenny experienced dehydration and lethargy. It was a scary time. Mary’s constant nursing managed to bring in my milk supply, and she was producing wet diapers. We were making painful progress. With Jenny, I was scared into supplementing with a lot of formula. I then had to wean her off bottles (she had nipple confusion) and gradually increase my milk supply by pumping. With Mary, the doctor wanted to record how much she was getting, so I have had to pump, and, if the pump failed to produce enough (and sadly, this seems to be the case), supplement with formula.
I’m worried about my milk supply. I’m worried about nipple confusion. I’m worried about my child’s health.
And after she drinks one ounce of expressed milk and then sits alert and content in someone else’s arms or falls into a good, deep sleep for two hours, I remember that it’s not normal for even a newborn to cry all the time. I feel guilty and frustrated for failing to take care of my child properly, for failing to be a good mother.
It’s a dark pit.
Experience soothes me. With Jenny, one week I was crying because she would sleep for two or three hours, satiated on formula, and the next week I was crying that she was up every hour to nurse. It’s a black pit, but, not only do I know there is an exit, I know the way out.
Our Lady of La Leche, pray for me.
Reit This Way 
Michelle, I will pray hard for you today. And I commend you for hanging in there. I had this trouble with Luke, and I didn’t feel like I was in a position to nurse him 24/7 to get him over the hump (no problems with my older kids). I was able to pump a few times a day so he did get a few bottles of mom’s milk but he was totally on formula by 6 weeks. NOT how I wanted it. Wish I lived close by so I could help you with “whatever ELSE needs to be done” and you could tend to your nursing relationship.
Ah, Michelle, our prayers are with you and Mary. Hopefully, she’ll get latching on well.A note of encouragement, my oldest got put on a bottle of formula in the hospital before I got to see him (he was in ICU and I had a fever) and he didn’t experience nipple confusion once he figured out what was coming out of the breast. So, just because Jenny had nipple confusion, doesn’t mean that Mary will, especially if she is trying to nurse even while you’re suplementing with a bottle. If you can get one of the older kids to feed her with the bottle, that would probably help.Good luck with the weighing.
Definitely praying for you Michelle – I went through this same dark pit with my first. I didn’t realize he had a weak latch on until I had my second son, who took to it easily. It was at that moment I turned to my mom and said “I know what Brennan’s issue was – he never latched on like this!”.Hang in there!
Oh, Michelle, I so understand. My milk supply is always sketchy, and I supplemented heavily with my first 3. It wasn’t what I had pictured AT ALL when those little ones were born. Every time I pumped, I could hardly get anything out… very frustrating.I’ll be offering up my day for you today. And, like Barb, wish I could be of some “material” help!
I’m praying for you, too, dear Michelle.
MicheleI remember after Jenny was born. We will be praying for you and MaryHang in there I will put you on the prayer chain OK? Name no Name?Love and prayers Kelly
i’m sorry you’re going through this again 😦 hang in there, you’ll both be fine in the end. you know that.have you tried fenugreek or oatmeal or anything to up your milk supply?much love to you all xox
I’m sorry to hear about poor Mary’s troubles.Is there any way you can get a supplemental feeding system (one of the tubes that goes over your nipple)?My oldest wouldn’t latch on for a couple of days after he was born. In the hospital, I would express into a little medicine cup and feed it to him that way.You could try fenugreek, Mother’s Milk tea – and avoid sage because it will dry you up. Hope all is well soon!
Kel – name is fine. Thanks.Have Mother’s Milk tea. eat oatmeal daily. Will look into fenugreek. Thanks. Off to doc’s.THANK YOU ALL for your support.
Prayers prayers prayers Michelle and Mary. And angels to come by and cook and clean and teach and comfort you.
Lots and lots of prayers coming your way.
Prayers for you, Michelle! I am feeling weepy just understanding and sympathizing with you!
Fenugreek is TOTALLY the way to go. You’ll smell like maple syrup but, hey, it’ll make pancakes all the more appetizing! 😉 I had the exact same experience with Ella. It is so hard. Good thing we are so stubborn. I refused to give up. I refused to quit. By twelve weeks old, she finally had it good and figured out and all that pain and tear shedding paid off.I will keep you in my prayers all day long. I am listening to Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give up” right now. How appropriate. Much love to you and Mary.
when i had this problem with my 3rd, bi-weekly weigh -ins and the whole bit because they were so worried. they finally gave me a nipple shield, which is a soft rubbery thing that goes right over your whole nipple. the baby then is able to latch on better because he or she has to pull in the whole thing. THIS WAS A MIRACLE. not only did it protect my very sore nipples, but in a very short time he was nursing great. this was when we had kaiser insurance and they actually had lactation consultants on staff. now, i have actually loaned that thing out to moms -even extremely experienced ones who have been on kid #9-because they seem to be hard to come by. BUT please ask about one and see if you can get one because it really helps. i with i could draw a picture of it, but anyway, say it is a soft clear rubber device, shaped like a natural nipple that you place over your own. it has holes in it so the milk can be drawn through the holes. the other things is, if you have to supplement, it’s easier to go back and forth because there is a similarity between the two. i had to use it for a while, maybe a month…then i was able to stop and he nursed fine from then on without it. i actually was able to not need to supplement because the shield helped him that quickly. it might take longer for another baby, but it was a god send. please see if it can help you. hope and prayers to you.
I’ll post later with some concrete ideas, but all have time for right now is this:1) Please please please call your local LLL Leader. http://www.llli.org/WebUS.html And if there isn’t one “local,” call the nearest one or call the helpline.2) I’m praying for you and little Mary.
Praying that things improve quickly, Michelle! With so much good will, advice and prayers, it’s hard to believe that they wouldn’t. 🙂When we used supplemental nursers with Thomas, I nursed first and then one of us would lay the tube over our finger and feed him that way. I could never get the hang of both at once. I’ll be offering up for you!
I’m with the suggestions to contact your local LLL. I can’t think of any cases where the doctors (though they are knowledgable) have been able to successfully save a nursing relationship. Usually they take a “nursing is good…as long as it works out…on it’s own” sort of approach. But docs and many nurses need to make everything quantitative and they “need” to “see” and “proove” everything. The advice to pump, measure, and supplement is not the only way to be assured the baby has taken liquids. The output (weighing the dry and then wet diapers) is just about as effective in calculation consumption. Docs don’t take classes on lactation health…or anything of that sort. LLL is far better schooled in this department and it sounds like you could really use one of them right now. I did have some latching issues with Peter (with his cleft lip et al…) But being a first time mom I did everything suggested. I used a nipple shell (not the same as the shield MCM described, http://www.birthandbabyorders.com/index.php?c=27 ) that was worn between nursing. I had somewhat flat nipples, and the shield put pressure on the nipple to help shape it, and it catch all the leaking milk. By the end of the week, nursing, pumping, I had way too much milk. So pumping is a delicate science I wouldn’t take on lightly again…but sometimes too much milk makes latching difficult when you’re engorged and nipples are stretched nearly flat. http://www.birthandbabyorders.com/index.php?c=26If you were truly low on milk, then perhaps you could use a at the breast supplementer. This link has a few that I would go for before resorting to a bottle. http://www.birthandbabyorders.com/index.php?c=30Ummm…there’s just so many senarios that could be coming into play here. I’ll pray the right solution comes along soon.
Michelle I have been there TWICE and not to sound harsh, but your doctor is wrong to make you pump to measure how much milk she’s getting. It’s not accurate at all as a pump will not produce the same let down as a baby. I dealt with numerous doctors and lactation consultants and finally found the only one that made sense was Dr. Jack Newman. A man – sounds weird, but amazing. I can’t recommend his book enough, puts the LLL one to shame. Most of whats in the book can be found in articles online – you can find some here:http://www.bflrc.com/newman/articles.htmI knwo it’s hard to resist doctors advice, but the fact is so many pediatricians and OBs are just not educated on breastfeeding and the mechanics thereof. It sounds like if supply is a problem it’s because of pumping and supplementing. I actually do have a genetic disorder where I don’t have enough gland tissue to produce adequate milk and was one of the very few (despite doctors thinking otherwise) who do physically require supplementation. But I can attest to Fenugreek helping slightly as did Domperidone (by prescription in the US, but an OTC drug here – I can send you some if you want.)The nipple shield recommended also helped with a latch problem on my first DD, so definitely look into that.You are both in my thoughts and prayers. Don’t give up and look at that site, I really can’t say enough about him and I’ve read almost everything there is to read on the subject! 😉
I’m praying too. I remember having so much trouble with breastfeeding with one of my children. I cried too over not being able to get him to latch on and stay latched on long enough to drink and be nurished. I think the worry and stress made it even worse. Fortunately, things eventually turned around (without supplementing with formula) and I will pray for that for you and Mary too. (?? – Did you say that you are pumping to determine if you are producing enough milk? With my children, I was never able to pump as much milk as they could actually nurse themselves. Does that make sense? – I mean that for me, the natural act of nursing my child “created” more milk that pumping.)
Michelle, I am praying for you and your little one. God bless.
OK, deep breath… calm calm… you are fine. Express novena is on your way…big sighs, deep breaths…God Bless~
No advice, but prayers from this quarter too!
Ohhhh. But you are a very good mother and that is clear with every line you write. I am very behind in my blog reading and I must congratulate you on the birth of this wonderful baby Mary. I will pray that things will improve. She is still very, very young. So much to learn. I have a Mary too and she also did not grow very fast.. You are both in my prayers. Everything will be all right.
I see that others have covered many of the things I wanted to share, but I’ll go ahead and reiterate.First, your son could have had a tongue tie and outgrown it. The frenulum can stretch with natural movements. If you have trouble finding a doctor to perform a frenotomy (if tongue tie is indeed an issue), your local LLL Leader may know of someone in the area who does this procedure.Consider a supplemental nursing system or nipple shield as a way to keep Mary at the breast. Some mothers prefer the Lact Aid to the SNS. The SNS uses gravity to deliver the milk, while the Lact Aid uses suction, so babies may work harder with the Lact Aid.The amount of milk that you pump is not indicative of your supply. There are special scales that can be used to weigh baby before and after feedings if the doctor insists on numbers. A lactation consultant may have one of these scales for use in her office, or perhaps even for rent. If you find that Mary is not nursing enough/well enough to maintain an adequate milk supply, you might consider renting a quality electric pump to help keep your supply up.Many mothers find that their babies latch better with lots of skin to skin time with few distractions. Some take baby into the bath where they find they can both relax.I will keep you in my prayers. And please call a LLL Leader!Hope the doctor visit went well today.